Trauma - helping family or friends

It can be difficult to know how to help someone you love and care for when they have gone through a distressing or frightening event.
It’s natural to want to make them feel better, but it’s important to accept they have been through a distressing experience. There is nothing you can say or do to make their pain or disappear straight away. That will happen with time, rest, and support.
It will help if you tell them that you are sorry about what they have had to go through and that you are there to help them in any way they need.
Offer support after a traumatic or distressing event
It’s always good to ask the person who has experienced a traumatic or distressing event what you can do to support them. Suggestions for supporting a friend or family member include:
• Make time to be with them and make it obvious that you are available. Sometimes, there is a tendency to want them to move on before they are ready, because the traumatic experience makes us feel upset. Try to avoid doing this. People who have had a traumatic experience can feel very reassured by human contact and want someone to share the state they are in, not try to make them feel better.
• Don’t take their feelings to heart. They may be irritable, depressed, angry or frightened. Strong feelings and emotional outbursts are common – don’t take it personally. Recognise that their reactions come from their distress, and that their reactions are normal and will subside in time.
• Reassure the person that their reactions are normal.
• Offer practical support. You could prepare meals, do housework or grocery shopping for them, or pick up their children from school. This takes pressure off them, and allows them more energy to cope with their feelings.
• Encourage them to take good care of themselves, for example, by eating well, avoiding alcohol, drugs or stimulants, take time to exercise to release tension, do nice things, and attempt to maintain regular sleeping habits.
• You may need to let them have time by themselves.
• Let them know you are there for them without judging.
• Suggest that they maintain regular daily routines and habits, which can also be helpful.
Talking about the trauma can be important
Although people who have been through a traumatic experience often get upset when they talk about it, talking is very important. However, what is most important is that they have a sense of control over their reactions. Some people do not want to open it up until they are ready, while others can’t stop talking about their experience. Take the lead from them – if they want to talk, be a listener; if they don’t want to go over the event, they may want to talk about what it means, why it happened or where to from here. Remember they may be ready to talk weeks or months later.
Suggestions include:
• If they want to talk, allow them to talk about what happened, even if they become upset. Just be calm yourself and listen carefully – getting upset yourself doesn’t help. You might help them find words or clarify things.
• Don’t insist on talking if the person doesn’t want to. They may need time to be alone with their thoughts. Tell them you are there to listen whenever they feel ready.
• Reassure them you care and want to understand about what happened to them. They may feel like you can’t possibly understand what they went through and shut you out. This may increase their risk of becoming isolated from their support networks. Be patient and see what else you can do to help.
• Try to make sure there is someone else they can talk to if they don’t want to talk to you about it.
• If there are difficult decisions to be made, talk about the situation with the person and help them to identify the different options. However, don’t make the decision for them. Unpack the options and give them time to consider them. If it is only a short time after the traumatic event, suggest that it might be a good idea to wait a little longer before making a decision.
What not to do or say
Some ways in which it can be unhelpful to respond are listed below.
• Don’t avoid talking about the event.
• Don’t think you know how the person should think, feel or behave. Everyone’s response is different.
• Don’t use general phrases such as ‘look on the bright side’ or ‘look for the silver lining’, but help them think about what they do have.
• Don’t judge their thoughts or feelings – being accepted helps put things in context.
• Don’t be impatient or expect them to ‘get over it’ in a certain time. It can take months or longer to recover from an event. Everyone has their reasons to be the way they are, even if it is not clear why.
• Don’t insist they need professional help. Not everyone who experiences a distressing event needs treatment. It will be more effective if they get it when they want it, even if that is later than is ideal.
Help them to relax and get involved in activities
Relaxation and fun are important recovery tools. Suggestions include:
• Try to involve the person in physical activity, such as walking or swimming. Exercise burns off stress chemicals, reduces muscle tension and encourages better sleep.
• While the person needs to spend some time alone, help them to strike a balance. Socialising – even low-key events such as sitting around with friends – can help to reduce stress levels.
• Laughter is a wonderful antidote to stress. Find ways to help them to smile or laugh.

If at any time you are worried about your mental health or the mental health of a loved one, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

Where to get help

• Your GP (doctor)
• Your maternal and child health nurse
• Your local community health centre
• Paediatrician or Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist – your doctor can refer you
• Phoenix Australia Centre for Post-traumatic Mental Health Tel. (03) 9035 5599
• Centre for Grief and Bereavement Tel. 1800 642 066

General telephone counselling services can provide advice:

• Lifeline Tel. 13 11 14
• GriefLine Tel. 1300 845 745
• beyondblue Tel. 1300 22 4636
• Kids Helpline Tel. 1800 55 1800
• Nurse-on-Call Tel. 1300 60 60 24 – for expert health information and advice (24 hours, 7 days).