Talking to children and young people about relationships, sex and sexuality

How and when to start talking about relationships, sex and sexuality

According to research, children and young people want to talk with their parents or carers about relationships, sex and sexuality.

We sometimes refer to these conversations as sex education, having 'the talk', or talking about the 'birds and the bees'. But it is much more than that. Having open and honest discussions where young people can receive accurate information about bodies, relationships, sex and sexuality helps them make safer choices in adulthood.

Many adults are unsure how to start, or may feel uncomfortable having these conversations. Avoiding the subject will not stop young people from having sex or keep them safe.

Open communication also allows adults to raise issues about their own values.

Work on these principles

Many adults feel awkward or unsure when talking with young people about sex. Confidence comes with time and practice.

Try to work on these principles:

• Start conversations early and keep talking as your child gets older.
• Be the one they ask for advice.
• Answer questions as simply and directly as possible.
• Keep conversations casual.
• Use cues around you.
• Be ready to talk about diversity of gender and sexuality.
• Find books, websites and other resources for ideas.

Start conversations early in childhood and keep talking

Children learn about relationships, sex and sexuality from the moment they are born. Very young children get messages from adults about their bodies. This includes:

• words to describe their body parts and functions
• concepts about public and private body parts and behaviours.

It is common for young children to be open and curious about their bodies and those of others. Try to use correct terminology for private body parts. This helps to reduce anxiety and shame. They will also gain confidence to ask questions and report to a trusted adult if something isn’t right.

As your child gets older, continue these conversations as opportunities arise. It is best to be proactive rather than reactive. Start talking about things like:

• Puberty before changes start happening for your child.
• Healthy, respectful relationships before your child is likely to see pornography.
• Safer sex practices before your child becomes sexually active.

If children receive age appropriate information early, it means less anxiety for everyone later. If conversations haven't started as early as you might have liked, don’t panic – find an opportunity.

Research shows that young people who receive accurate, honest and comprehensive sex education are more likely to delay their first sexual experience and engage in safer sex practices.

Be the one they ask for advice on relationships, sex and sexuality

Be honest and approachable – encourage children to ask questions. If children understand that they will get an accurate answers, they are more likely to ask for advice at home.

Keep conversations casual about relationships, sex and sexuality

Talking about relationships, sex, and sexuality doesn’t have to be formal. Integrate these topics into any conversation, so it becomes a normal part of life.

Young people often want short, direct answers to their questions. They can ask more questions as they arise.

How to start conversations by using cues

Use news, current affairs, social media, advertising, song lyrics, books, television, and movies as cues to start a conversation.

You might also observe people around you or online to begin or continue your discussions. Young people may want to talk about diverse kinds of relationships and sexuality.

Don’t wait for your child to ask questions, be proactive and begin the conversation. Use open-ended questions like, 'What do you think you would do in that situation?'.

Use books, websites and other resources to explain concepts

Start with picture books for young children to explain complicated ideas like conception and pregnancy. Older children may need help finding suitable, accurate resources.

If children search for these topics on their own as they may find misleading facts or pornography. Be approachable and offer to look for suitable information together.

You may also want to discuss who else they could talk to if they feel reluctant to come to you (such as a trusted adult friend or relative).

Preparing to talk to children about relationships, sex and sexuality

The first step is to plan your approach before talking to children and young people about relationships, sex and sexuality. You might like to try some of these suggestions:

• Discuss the topic with your partner or other adults involved in your child’s parenting. Decide on a consistent approach.
• Decide what values and messages you want to communicate. Children won’t always know about your morals, values and beliefs unless you tell them.
• Be informed about relevant current affairs.
• Remember, the aim is to be open and honest about the topic – tell them if you feel embarrassed.
• Language around sexuality is changing. Be open to learning new words around identity, relationships and sexuality.
• Accept your child could have different views to your own.

Suggested topics to talk about at different ages and stages

It is common for young people to have an interest in adult things like sex. Answer questions with honest information that is suitable for their age. If your child is asking questions, they are probably ready for answers.

Themes of consent, respect and help seeking are relevant to all ages.

Remember, start conversations early and keep talking. Revisit topics throughout childhood and adolescence.

Children (0-5 years) – suggested topics

• Body autonomy – teaching them about rights and consent (e.g. they are the boss of their body and they get to say what goes).
• Public body parts – learning they have the right to choose which parts of their body are public. This may depend on certain factors (such as preference, culture or religion).
• Private body parts and appropriate behaviour – such as part no one has permission to see or touch (such as wearing bathers at the local swimming pool).
• Giving accurate names for private body parts – (such as penis, scrotum, vulva, breasts, anus).
• Gender.
• Getting help from people they trust when they are scared, worried or feel unsafe.

Early/middle primary school – suggested topics

• How babies are made.
• How babies are born.
• Diverse families.

Middle/upper primary school – suggested topics

By the end of primary school, young people should have a good understanding of how bodies work and change. This includes knowledge about puberty and how babies are made. Don’t forget to discuss relevant changes in the opposite sex. The more accurate information children have, the less anxiety they will feel.

Suggested topics include:

• puberty
• identity
• masturbation
• sexual feelings
• sexual orientation
• reproduction
• pornography.

Secondary School – suggested topics

In secondary school, the conversation should move more towards relationships. This includes information on respectful intimate relationships, pleasure and enjoyment.

It’s okay not to answer questions about your own experiences.

Topics may include:

• contraception
• healthy relationships
• respect
• diversity
• communication
• age of consent laws
• progressive, affirmative consent in sexual relationships – such as mutual consent and negotiation in sexual activity
• online sexual behaviour
• intimacy
• sexual pleasure
• safer sex
• sexually transmissible infections (STIs)
• accessing reproductive and sexual health services – including making their own confidential GP (doctor) and nurse clinic appointments.
• applying for their own Medicare card – young people are eligible when they turn 15.

Develop a positive approach to relationships, sex and sexuality with children and young people

Most young people will be interested sexual experiences as they move into adulthood.

Provide sex-positive, accurate, honest and comprehensive information about relationships, sex, and sexuality. This will help your child make healthy, safe and positive choices.

Remember to listen to your child. It should be a series of discussions not a lecture. Be prepared for the possibility that they may not feel the same way or agree with you.

Helping young people make decisions about sex

Teenagers need to learn how to negotiate sexual experiences positively and responsibly.

Ways to help your child make safe and informed sexual decisions include:

• Give them accurate and easy-to-understand information about contraception, safer sex and sexually transmissible infections (STIs).
• Encourage them to talk about sex and the possible outcome with their partner.
• Identify ways to deal with unwanted sexual pressure (including peer pressure).
• Direct them to reliable sources of information to find answers to questions about sex.
• Ensure they understand the importance of practising safer sex – Including external and internal condom use).
• Keep communication open.

Sex and establishing ground rules at home

Most young people will become sexually active at some stage. Not allowing them to have sex at home will not stop them from having sex.

Establish ground rules about sexual behaviour in your home – this may include whether to allow your child to have their partner in their bedroom or stay the night.

The best time to decide on these rules is when you are talking openly about sex and before the situation arises.

Relationships and sexuality education in Victorian schools

Respectful relationships and sexuality and consent education are a core part of the curriculum for Victorian students from Foundation to Year 12.

Children and young people will also explore relationships and sexuality in other contexts that address the 4 capabilities of the Victorian school curriculum – critical and creative thinking, ethical, intercultural and personal and social. This may include:

• student health and wellbeing
• whole school activities celebrating diversity
• targeted education for students with specific needs
• addressing issues after a critical incident has occurred (such as sexual assault).

Keeping children safe at school

Schools encourage an approach to sexuality education that involves teachers, parents and carers, and the school community.

Child safety is important. Any organisation that works with children must comply with Victoria's Commission for Children and Young People's (CCYP) Child Safe Standards. Schools are required to have strategies that are inclusive and promote participation and empowerment of all children.

Contact your child’s school for more information about their learning program. It is often helpful for adults to know about relevant details of the program to continue discussions with children at home.

Where to get help

• Your GP (doctor)
• Your child’s school (teachers, school nurse, wellbeing staff). Some secondary schools provide access, on site, to a GP trained in adolescent health
• Maternal and child health nurse
• Sexual Health Victoria or free call 1800 013 952. Clinics in Box Hill Tel. (03) 9257 0100 and Action Centre, Melbourne CBD Tel. (03) 9660 4700
• 1800 My Options Tel: 1800 696 784 is a statewide phone service for information about sexual health as well as contraception and pregnancy options
• Kids Helpline Tel.1800 551 800